Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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