my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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