How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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