he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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