If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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