There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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