but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
