naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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