my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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