I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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