The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
