Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He kissed a someone with a penis
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
