No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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