So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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