I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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