i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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