I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
