I accidentally had phone sex last night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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