New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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