I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
