sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
