I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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