I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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