I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
