She is in my trunk
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
