I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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