chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
