Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
