Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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