you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
