Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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