ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
