I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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