I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
