I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
