Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
