my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
