mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
