I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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