also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You need Xanax blowdarts
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
