Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She's just so happy...and so naked.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
