hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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