Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
