Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
