In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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