I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
