woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
