I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
