I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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