She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
