I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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